Tuesday, 16 June 2009
-
Unequally Yoked
"Easter and Halloween are bad, Mom" she says to me so matter of fact. "They're not bad, Ethel, your daddy just doesn't celebrate them because he doesn't believe the Bible says it's okay." "Mom, Dad said they're bad and he knows." "Okay, Ethel, we'll talk about this later. I want you to enjoy your time with your Daddy but I want you to know when it comes to Easter and Halloween; whether you choose to celebrate them will be up to you."
At this point he grabs the phone, "Jess, I didn't say they were bad, I just told the kids I don't celebrate them." "I hope you're not lying to me," I said, "all I ask is that you give me the same respect as I give you. If you want to teach them what you believe that is fine but you leave the ultimate decision up to them." "Jess, you know I wouldn't say that." "I don't know that, Nick, all I know is what she has interpreted and repeated back to me."
...and this is why you really shouldn't be unequally yoked. Because the later divorce will only worsen the situation.
We were young. I was 20 when I had our oldest and Nick was 18. We married when Jethro was a month and a half old. We knew we wanted to marry but we talked out every detail about how we would deal with Nick being a Jehovah's Witness and me being Full Gospel. We had decided we would study together three times a week, we'd teach the kids as the questions came and as their age progressed. Anything went as long as we ALWAYS respected one another and never told the kids the decision they had to make...only what we believed and why.
I suppose that all worked in theory but it's not going well in practice, seeing as we're divorced now and he is remarried. We dealt with something similar last year when his brother told my kids that Santa was the devil dressed up in a red costume. Needless to say their daddy and I had a long talk that ended with the kids making the decision to believe Santa wasn't real but actually a man who dressed in a costume and delivered presents all over the world.
I think as their ages and time progress that it will only become more difficult. Their awareness and desire to come to conclusions of their own will probably be a lot to bare. Not to mention, his relationship with another woman probably won't help him build any new respect for me...or even nurture the current.
In the end, no matter how hard this very moment is on me. No matter how many tears I cry. In the end, they will be the ones who will hurt and struggle with it all the most. ...and really, that's what hurts me the most: the hurting for them.
-
recommend
- recs 4
-
share
-
email
- sent 1
Post a Comment
- Back to MySecretLoveAffair's Xanga Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in MySecretLoveAffair's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (41)
I used to think that love would overcome religious preferences but after several failed relationships (not necessarily due to religious differences), I realize just how much I want someone who has similar views and beliefs as me. It makes for an easier marriage, easier parenthood, and just even the spiritual connection and being understood by each other--full acceptance. I now recently came to the decision that I will not have it any other way and choose not to be unequally yolked anymore. I want to meet a man that I can serve as a wife and a man who loves God more than he will ever love me.
I think in this situation, the only thing you can do is allow your children to grow up with the idea that religious beliefs are to be respected - which you seem to be attempting to do. When they're older, they'll make their own decisions, and they'll appreciate the idea that you've always respected their father's beliefs, so they'll know you'll respect theirs.
@drop_of_sunshine - I'm sure some people can handle it and things can work out. Had he never cheated then things may have been fine. Eh, who knows!?
@AibellFaeire - I agree. I told him that tonight. I said whether it be a Buddhist, a Catholic, or whatever that I wanted my kids to give the same respect to each.
@MySecretLoveAffair - I hope he takes the hint.
This thought just occurred to me when I saw your title. If you were plowing a field would you yoke a donkey with a lion to plow. Would you yoke a dog and a cat together to get something done. It wouldn't work, so why yoke a Christian with a non Christian and expect it to work. Sure, TRUE and unconditional love can hold it together, but with humans, that is something that is built through time, it doesn't just happen so it usually fails.
@UnworthyofHisgrace - Very true. I feel love is something that has to be nurtured. In our case, he stepped out on me and trying to nurture the love back was quite difficult and inevitably, I believe, ended the way it did. We always worked well together as far as respecting each others beliefs...I can only hope that he can recall that and still practice that same respect.
I might need to remember this... years down the road. Thank you for the words.
@MySecretLoveAffair - Yeah it may work for some people but I'm coming to find that I really don't think it's for me. As my relationship with Christ is getting stronger, I just can't see myself sharing my life journey with someone who doesn't believe what I believe. I want to share that part of my life with him and have that in common. Just me though.
@drop_of_sunshine - Oh, I agree...it's definitely me too...now.
@MySecretLoveAffair - My wife had been divorced and had a 3 year old daughter when we got married. He was not a Christian, became an alcoholic and cheated on my wife with the woman he married. We went through all sorts of stuff and it seemed every other weekend when they had Kalley, when we got her back it was like days before we got her staightened back out. That first day back was ALWAYS aweful. The would give her anything she wanted...trying to get her to like them better of course. We just did what God expected of us in raising her to love God and trust Christ. Sure, there were MANY struggles and heartaches for her...especially when her dad died at 42 her Senior year in HS from drinking himself to death basically. She is now 32 with 2 beautiful girls and a boy due in August. They have found a church in Knoxville they like and have started getting their kids involved in church. The heartaches can turn out to make them stronger and as long as you hold true, they will SEE by your actions who is the trustworthy one. Hang in there Jess!
~Grampy~
I've come to the same conclusion. It's what I've always been taught, but now that I'm an adult I've watched others and seen the wisdom of it. Thing is, I suspect that if my wife were to not have the same commitment to Christ that I do, I'd end up driving her crazy. Marriage needs a unity of purpose, not just lovey-dovey feelings.
I know how they feel (or may begin to feel)... my parents, as I've been growing up, have been divorced practically my whole life, and one of the struggles with me is most definetly religion... my dad's side is all polish and korean, but I don't know a single one of my polish relatives... so i suppose you can say that I visit a bunch of koreans every time i visit him. the thing is though, that my mother has been raising me as a christian while my father has no beliefs, plus the rest of the family believing in the "higher power" and worshiping the buddha... struggle?.. uhm, yah. Whenever I asked about God to my family, they always told me that they didn't think it was God, that it was a higher power, which i learned to accept, because i would always respond, "well that's god." But with my dad, he would always tell me that he wasn't sure he was real, sometimes even that he didn't believe in him and that he most certainly was not real. And that, was like telling me that Santa wasn't real. He didn't celebrate easter or halloween either, because it "wasn't his thing". I'm not going to lie, it may be a struggle, and I'm sorry it hurts you so much to see them struggle between you two, but exactly what UnworthyofHisgrace said: The heartaches can turn out to make them stronger and as long as you hold true, they will see by your actions who is the trustworthy one. My mother showed me that she was the trustworthy one, and she's the reason for where I am today :) ... so I know that you can too. You stay strong in this, okay? We're all here for you
I feel like that is something hard to work around, even being in the deepest of love. Its "easier" if you will with someone who doesn't believe and a believer, but two people with two different sets of beliefs is even harder to work with, especially when children are brought into the equation, because thats when true feelings about things come out when deciding what to teach them.
@alltimelow22 - Wow. Thanks. I hope that my kids can develop trusting and respectful relationships with both of us...but, regardless, I hope they see that I'm here for them no matter what they choose to believe.
@theacematt2 - Remember it. Thanks:)
@randomneuralfirings - I was raised the same way. When I first dated their dad and even when we got married he wasn't very strong in his beliefs. That came later, but, he had that pressure from his family to maintain his system of beliefs. It was difficult to say the least...and obviously still is.
children...such delicate minds.
@AlterEgo909 - I think I agree. Because, atleast if someone believes in nothing at all then there isn't any real conflict with the other. We had/have solid conflict that nothing can really change...it's just that.
@MySecretLoveAffair - I'm sure they can
just takes a little patience.
everythings alright in the end, if not, it's not the end.
You're so hot. Wait, I think I've said that before.
@ginsu417 - Yeah, she does have this whole... beauty ... thing working in her favor.
@theacematt2 - Totally. Well, except for constantly getting hit on by weirdos like me.
@ginsu417 - @theacematt2 - oooh, would you look at that!? i'm keeping you both...you're good for me.
@MySecretLoveAffair - Well okay, as long as I don't catch him meat gazing while I'm in the shower....
@MySecretLoveAffair - xD I'm kept! ::win::
That has to be rough. One of the best things about being a single parent whose ex wanted very little to do with the child was the lack of interference. You're a good mom though. Kudos for believing they should make up their own mind.
Wow. This would be very difficult but I like that you are teaching them to respect one another beliefs! Its a good lesson to know! I think letting them to come to their on conclusions & decisions about religion is good!
I know they will make the right choice for them! They have an awesome mom that will love them no matter what! Which is wonderful & rare!! 